Episode Nine: Scavenger's Daughter

For some reason, after having just met him a girl is following Mr Evilpants into his dark basement (COME ON) and now I know this isn't Canadians being accommodating, this is just stupid.

Yeah, a murder mystery

Some softcore porn happens. As usual, I don't know what's going on. All I do know is that the show has ruined sex for me one time already, and now I think it's doing its best to make that permanent. The following scene is awful in every respect of the word. Not just because of the obvious abuse of trust (I mean I know he's the bad guy, but jesus) and what is essentially a rape scene in just the first five minutes, but the world at large is still suffering from collective PTSD after 50 Shades of Grey was released (relevent quiz) What the world does -not- need is yet ANOTHER reason to associate the BDSM community with twisted psychopaths.

Why does everyone trust this man?

If I met this guy I'd reverse my car over him. Twice. 

Thanks for the nightmares, Bitten.

They steal the life essence out of the girl or something and this whole scene upset me and traumatised me a little and not in the joking way. I'm not sure why, so let's leave it at that and move on to our beloved witches and werewolves.

Back in Stonehaven, Jeremy is a little upset that he almost killed his only son so that he could have a booty call.

Clay tries to comfort him. 

The werewolves vow to kill Evilpants, again, ‘we’ll finish this let’s end this’ and so on, and Clay suddenly blinks. Everyone is confused until he explains himself

after which everyone is twice as confused as before. Ruth arrives

ARE YOU STILL HERE

and looks for more lives to ruin. Finding none, she gives us some more exposition and says that the Undoing has begun. Witches are dying (yay) and unless they kill Evilpants by sunrise, all of them will be dead. For some reason this is a bad thing and they all put their concerned pants on.

MoonMoon, who apparently was not blown up at the compound, is also in this episode. 

Seriously, where have you been for the past episode and a half

He’s gone to see his lady/MacGuffin#1, but she’s still not forgiving that he A) lied to her and impregnated her with a werewolf child B) Got her kidnapped not once but twice C) Got her experimented on and used in twisted rituals and D) is an idiot. 

'That time you got your head stuck in the Kibble box was pretty annoying too'

MoonMoon asks for another chance and she tells him that she’s terminated the baby and damn show, that’s harsh.

Meanwhile Shmavannah is kidnapped for the 7^th time and with that witch who I thought was dead but apparently isn’t, who laments that she lost her powers because Ruth destroyed her earring. 

Well maybe you shouldn’t have been literally wearing your powers on your earlobe.

She starts to manipulate Shmavannah not with candy, not with a dress, not with a pretty photograph, but with absolutely nothing but saying words. Naturally, it works.

 Insert your own caption here, I can't be bothered anymore

Evilpants is evil and says he’s worried about the werewolves, but luckily he’s nicked a cop. He does the - 

This again

- on him and I guess he's an evil minion now. 

Logan walks past a scuffle between a couple and with absolutely no cues or context, decides that the man must be the one in the wrong because WOMAN POWERFUL MAN BAD and knocks the guy out. 

He is then approached by this guy

Who tells him that he can show him a place where men can deck each other wantonly without a care in the world. Because why not, we need to give Logan something to do. “Like a Fight Club?” says Logan, who has immediately figured it out, and has it confirmed by Mr Pitt, who then adds that “These guys are a bunch of monsters.”

Logan goes along with it because why not, there’s still two episodes left to fill.

Back at Stonehaven Ruth is in bed feeling under the weather. Jeremy says that he doesn’t know how to fight Evilpants. Ruth says she does, but she needs eggs. I don’t even need to take the mickey anymore, the show is doing it for me. She rolls the egg across somewhere Alistair breathed on and then breaks it over a plate

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

And it gives Evilpants some heartburn. He gets annoyed and threatens to get his own egg, and Shmavannah tries to start a skype call. Unfortunately Alistair answers and tries to guilt Ruth into trying to kill him at birth, and for once I’m on Evilpants’s side. Ruth says “If you care about innocent people, let them live” despite being a baby-murderer, and Evilpants is understandably more ticked off. Jeremy invites himself to the call and warns Alistair that no matter where he tries to hide, he will track him down.

For some reason Jeremy has an allergic reaction to Skype (he’s an msn kinda man) and starts to Change, and runs off to the basement. 

Clay Elena Nick and Shmaige are off snooping in a house somewhere and hell no they end up in that basement. I don't know how they found it but I just want the show to move out of this place as fast as possible. Unfortunately for me Nick finds the camera, exclaiming "Whatever it was, I think they filmed it."

Can we please not?

And I guess we’re going to be in here for a while.

Cut to Logan (LOGAN I’VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU) and we’re in a Fight Club homa – ripoff. Mr Pitt informs MoonMoon that the guy he’s up against is built like a truck, and Logan gets a whiff of wer – 

Wait. That’s Cain. That’s Zachary Cain, right? The guy who Clay Castrated, murdered, and chopped up into littie pieces in season one..right? I – don’t even. I’d say I can’t even but I’m too old to say that, so I don’t even. 

So apparently Cain is not dead, and is also Logan’s new sparring partner. Okay then. Cain starts to Change mid fight, so he lets Logan choke him out because we haven’t got the budget for any more fucking werewolves okay. 

Jeremy transforms and goes through an epic struggle to return to human form (offscreen of course) and Ruth explains that The Undoing is affecting werewolves too because..I really don’t know and that once the witches are dead, the werewolf curse will be erased and further Change will be impossible and, I quote, “That will be that.”

Why are they concerned? They never bluddy Change anyway. 

We go back to that awful basement (I am not happy). We see more horrific shit that I won’t go into

'The show did say PG-14 at the start, right?'

and Shmaige reveals that everyone is going to die except for Evilpants since he cast the spell, Clara since her earring broke, and Shmavannah since she is the conduit. 

If I don't use this guy at least once in every review, something just feels wrong

It’s all terribly convenient. The characters continue to wear their frowny pants for a while, and Shmaige reveals that Alistair’s new Shmauer wants to possess Shmavannah’s body.

MoonMoon goes to deliver the batshit crazy lalaland news to Cain, who is tending to – oh jesus. Oh, jesus. 

There’s some seriously heavy stuff in this episode. And this is not a show that’s equipped to deal with anything heavy.

This is Amber, who was last seen in season one crawling across the floor, a deformed half-human beast. The show neglected her and never did give her and ending, and I guess she’s been here all this time, being cared for by the conveniently suddenly not-dead Cain. Good grief. Logan suggests that she be put of her misery, and Cain reveals that she’s brain dead and can’t feel a thing and that the pain is all his now but he can’t let her go. 

Jesus, show. Did the director suddenly die? Did you hire a mortician to direct in his place instead? The entirety of this episode has been dark, and not in a good way. 

Rachel interrupts this moment by phoning Logan to tell him that the baby wasn’t actually terminated

and that she only said it because she was afraid. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. JESUS show. Can we please go back to the time when everything was lighthearted, stupid but lighthearted? This shit is dire and depressing as fuck. 

Elena takes a moment to explain to Clay that their werewolf heritage is quite important to them

'It's almost like..this is a werewolf show or something?'

and that they should keep fighting. Downstairs in the basement Nick and Shmaige are still snooping around and some more photoshop ripples happen. The door magically cements itself shut

Literally

And Nick and Shmaige are trapped downstairs. Shmaige ‘explains’ that it’s a witch’s door, and that there’s probably a trigger amongst the junk somewhere. She tells Nick to go fetch, and then the greatest thing in the show so far happens – Shmaige starts to perish.

I am okay with this

Back at Stonehaven Ruth makes some more blood omelette, but it’s not working. She explains that

Jeremy immediately offers to drive her there (why isn’t he off solving crime with his Pack anyway?) and she declines, and reminds him that oh yeah, he should actually be with his Pack once or twice this season.

Ruth then has to explain -further- why Jeremy has to be with his Pack and not with her. 

And the understatement of the year award goes to:

MoonMoon arrives at the door with his lady, who is having pregnancy problems because The Undoing is affecting all werewolves. Even though both the books and the TV show too have previously explicitly acknowledged that werewolf-born children are completely normal right up until they hit puberty. Oh well. 

Look we're 3/4 of the way in and we need more drama

Logan informs his lady friend that soon the curse will be lifted and they can have their normal life together. Ruth, presumably sick of them both, hightails it out of there. Elena hands Clay a hammer and he sets to work on the witch door. Shmaige is still perishing, but still finds time to be a bitch to Nick, who is currently genuinely pouring his heart out to her.

Verbatim

Nick says they’re meant to be together and that he loves and needs her while Shmaige continues to tell him to shut up. Just in case the audience hadn’t already overdosed on seriously heavy stuff, we cut back to (I can’t believe I have to use this word) –another- dying couple; Cain and Amber. Cain cuts off her life support and she is finally released from her living hell, while he sobs raggedly over her body as she slips away. I nearly walk out of the review entirely because jesus.

Jesus. I said that already, right? 

Jesus.

Elena and Clay can’t get the door down. Shmaige slips further so Nick sets to work. The possessed cop shows up and says he’s looking for the cursed ones. Elena slaps him down so he was pretty pointless and Nick finally finds the trigger, freeing them from a cementy prison. 

Ruth arrives at ‘where the hell are we now’

No seriously where the hell are we now someone please tell me

and Evilpants arrives at Stonehaven. 

I have a cursor error effect and I am not afraid to use it

Because he  just felt like walking directly into the enemies’ lair even though he didn’t actually need to. Seriously, wasn't everything going to plan for him up until this point? He had his conduit and his crazy witch all far away and no one knew where he was and the possession was all scheduled to happen – why the hell is he walking into a house full of angry werewolves? 

Jeremy is overcome by the stupidity of the situation

'I WANT A NEW AGENT'

And in enters a somewhat badass Logan. 

A combination of words you never thought you'd read

Who is here to damn-well save his alpha. 

Sadly, MoonMoon is killed by his own worst enemy - his stupidity. For the first time in the show he goes to do something useful, and promptly launches himself directly on top of a sharp stationary object. I am not kidding, that's exactly how he dies. The bad guy didn't even move - there was no trajectory in his arm nor his weapon - MoonMoon just damn well leaped right on top of it.

Ruth is off painting the cock-and-balls symbol in..the basement of an airport? I don’t know. Alistair starts to get a migrane. He scarpers and Jeremy runs to our dear MoonMoon.

Here I'm a little torn. Do I allow myself to be manipulated by the usual misplaced dramatic music and feel sad for MoonMoon - and I admit this is a little sad. Or do I feel pleased that the character who rightly should have died in the second episode without being given a lick of dialogue, a beige sofa, or a girlfriend, is finally dead?

I just don't know. I'll end the episode how I started it: confused. Either way, let's lay MoonMoon to rest.

Get back in there, tear.

He's in werewolf heaven now, sipping whiskey with Antonio. Or maybe Antonio is beating him senseless over the head with an Italian suitcase because he took his part, I don't know.

 You did good, MoonMoon. 

Everything else this episode comes up with will be kinda pale in comparison to the emotional rollercoasterfuck that the rest of it was. Ruth does some more The Craft, Alistair bleeds a little. Elena expresses concern about being forced to Change and stuck in wolf form, and Clay rather romantically says

Daawww.

Cain arrives and swears some sort of allegiance to Jeremy

Am I going soft or was that pretty BAMF?

Oh well Evilpants new accomplice and Shmavannah are closing in on the airport/basement 

'We are not green screen'

And we are lucky enough to once more end on what is without question my most favourite bit of overused 13-year old writing thus far on the show

Seriously I did write this shit when I was 13, I'll scan it in if I get enough votes

I guess the next episode will be our final one. For reasons I can’t completely figure out, I actually can’t wait.