Bitten: The TV Show: Episode Seven: Bad Dreams

I did it! Damn, I want a cookie. Episode 7.

So, we start off with a photoshopped dream sequence claiming that everyone will be dead by dawn. Shmavannah/MacGuffin#2 looks quite distressed by this but honestly, I'm all for this idea.

Elena and Clay have a conversation abou - BUM SHOT t- perhaps going away for a while, and Elena nonchalantly chops off her hair. I'm less distressed by this than I thought I'd be. I mean I have and I love long hair but..for her to be traumatised and to want to do something different to distance herself from the situation seems quite understandable. Heck, if I'd signed a contract to do 10 episodes of this show, I'd be mutilating myself too.

Meanwhile, the entire female viewer population is satisfied

So four minutes in and the cast has suddenly inexplicably expanded by 400%.

There's some more hired shits that I'd bet money have a less than rich IMDB history at stonehaven and they're all saying words. In funny accents. And this is how I feel.

Bonus

Shmaige establishes her bitch status even further by saying this to Nick.

Nick..could you like..just accidentally tip her into the fire? We could make it look like an accident. Nick please.

While at Stonehaven, the Men in Suits are still saying words.

Lots of words. They ask to see Elena for literally no other reason than she's a girl. I am not comparing myself to Elena (I do not want to be like the producer of this show) but their collective reaction is the exact same one that I get whenever I reveal in online gaming that I too, am in fact a girl.

Pervy alphas aside, Elena does actually do the book a good service here. Her speech about how the only reason she's alive and how it was all thanks to Jeremy's guidance brought a little tear to my eye. It was like..a brief glimpse into the books and a look at what this series should've been like if it wasn't made by mentally-deficient monkeys on crack.

But naturally, this doesn't last, and we're soon back into batshit-crazy lalaland 'make up our own plot' territory as Nick and Shmaige end up in a bar stalking Nick's mother. It takes all of 9 seconds for Shmaige to start mentally torturing Nick and screwing around with his mother, which is a new world record for bitchiness, even for Shmaige. The sooner we get out of this scene the better.

We end up in a scene where Jeremy gets 'threatened' by a five-foot rat with a whole two prior seconds of screentime, and I assume that this is going to be the start of the series finale. Some made-up werewolf politics shit that still manages to negate any of these dozen werewolves do any actual turning into werewolves (if I may quote the season one finale; 'we've no time to change!!1!')

I can't wait.

Put dramatic music over this scene all you want, show. It's still lame and underwhelming. (seriously listen to it, it's all DAHN DAHN DAAAAHHHNNN but it's hilariously misplaced)

Shorty Spanish werewolf threatens to kill Nick. He then threatens to kill Jeremy. As usual, Jeremy's bodyguard/adopted son/reliable protector and all-round dependable loyal right-hand-man Clay has no idea that his alpha is being threatened and shows up only after the danger is over.

'Did I miss something?'

Nick, being a moden contemporary tech-savvy man - leaves not just one, but TWO modern iphones sitting in the front of his car in full view.

At this point I don't really care that he's about to get kidnapped - what kind of idiot does that in a public place where someone would with no qualms break a window just to get that £800-worth if easily ebayable technology? Come on, Nick.

Oh, someone does break the window, but it's not so that he can make a quick sale on ebay - it's so that he can successfully corner Nick. Nick, who at this moment in time, I feel is suffering from whatever disease Shmavannah's brain has.

I'll say it again, show. You can put dramatic music over this all you want - it's not going to make it dramatic.

Cut back to the forest where Elena is talking to the DAYYUUMM alpha, and - wait. Did Shmavannah actually literally just appear and start talking about secret stuff right after the Russian alpha was saying that they need their existence to be kept a secret? Jesus show, I can't tell if you're being stupid or if Shmavannah is being stupid and at this point I'm finding it hard to care.

Meanwhile Nick's storyline is going quite swimmingly.

Which reminds me, I really need to book a holiday with Sunwing. I keep forgetting.

To the show's credit this scene was actually kinda..nice. Clumsy and simplistic sure, but..nice.

Jeremy and Russian alpha do a little tango (seriously, rewatch it, they spin around in an adorable little circle) and Russian alpha reminds Jeremy of the 'In soviet Russia, *blank* *blanks* you' meme. Jeremy, not up to date on his internet tropes, does not back down.

The Nick's mother storyline is over faster than I thought it'd be (seriously I thought more would come from that) and he goes back with Shmaige to a hotel room. For reasons mentioned before, I had to skip the sex scene (seriously does anyone have that gif?)

Cut to - OH MY GOD IS THAT MARSTEN? I MISSED YOU! Sorry all, I did sort of miss his style and his accent. I can't even remember where Marsten fits in this lalaland 'adaptation' but it's still a joy to see him.

Welp, he got choked out in two seconds and then leaves so I guess we're off in a different direction.

'We can only afford you for one episode'

Fortunately the following scene and direction is actually..and this burns me to say it, it's kinda good. I thought the show was done with the scenes with Nick and his Mother but apparently they are not. And their reunion, well..

I'VE GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE, OKAY

Sadly it doesn't last for long. More threats and addendums are added by Shorty Spanish werewolf but nothing really comes of it except for a bit more dramatic music and a few stares that rival the ones in Twilight.

And they know how to stare

Next, Shmaige and Nick go into a field, and - OH MY GOD IS THAT A WEREWOLF? A WEREWOLF IN A SHOW PREDOMINANTLY ABOUT WEREWOLVES? WELL I FUCKING NEVER

Ruh roh

Sorry. I'm just a little upset that we haven't seen a werewolf in this werewolf show for about three episodes now.

Fortunately before I could get too excited and pass out, the werewolf is only on screen for about four seconds. And naturally, the being who can transform himself into a predatory creature with claws and deadly fangs, of course, transformed back into a human so he could dispatch of his foe that way.

Fucking naturally.

Anyway, back at Stonehaven there's more politics and more talking.

I cannot begin to express my enthusiasm for politics.

Elena kills a dude. Shmavannah/MacGuffin#2 is as useful as always, and gets kidnapped. Again.

Wait, I just had a thought.

Where the hell has Clay been for the last 30 minutes?

Meanwhile, Shmaige and Nick are having words.

Nick. Wait. Don't pretend like you're actually thinking of killing your own mother. I know that that the show producers have gotten their claws into you and shredded you to bits and turned you into a floppy-haired foil, but - no. The real Nick would never ever do that. He wouldn't even entertain it. Neither would Jeremy ever order that. Just..no.

Bad show! Bad!

Shmavannah does her best 'oops I didn't mean to make him bleed out of every orifice' impression on her kidnapper, and it goes quite well.

Clay finally shows up after being god knows where.