Saturday, 23 April 2016

Bitten S03E04 - A Quiet Dog

This week, our adventure begins in a rather peaceful setting, Stonehaven at night. It makes a nice change from other intros, and hell I'm actually rather optimistic after seeing Jeremy back to his true self in the finale of the last episode.

Elena looks to the living room where Jeremy is apparently conversing with (not interrogating) Dadwolf. She expresses her concern about how Jeremy has been playing Dictator and was going to hand over her entire family to the Ruskis. Clay says something that may in fact clear all of this up 

Wait. This..actually seems plausible. Was the entire third reich act for the entirety of this season, act? Was Jeremy just playing a game in order to fool Russia? Is he actually still our beloved book Jeremy and benevolent Pack Leader - oh please let this be true, and please let Dadwolf not actually be strung up by his ears in there. Please?

Elena isn't yet sure.

'I saw his MSPaint moustache. It was very convincing.'

She hasn't forgotten Jeremy's (numerous) speeches about war. And homicide. And genocide. And the one about infanticide. Basically all the ides.

Hm. Well, I guess time will tell. Speaking of, Jeremy is indeed treating his (sort of brother in law?) as a good friend, and is giving him whiskey, not axeheads. 

Dadwolf explains that he accidentally caused Russia's daughter to die. Well, explained is a bit of a strong word. He simply says it and then doesn't say anything more. Despite the fact that I want to grab him by his grey shoulders and shake him and say 'start explaining man', Jeremy simply moves on to extending an offer of sanctuary..and his demands in return. 


Wait. What. Why? Once the feud with the Russians is over, there will be no need for Elena to lose all contact with her family. Once the war is won, she'll actually be able to maintain contact with her family, frolic in the fields, eat caribou together, share dumb fathers' day cards - all that stuff. That's the whole point of winning the war. So they can do that in peace. Why is Jeremy going to do his best to win a war, and then not reap the profits of doing so?

It's been far too long since we used this

Not even the 'explanation' he gives afterwards makes sense. It all ignores the basic principle of this war - they are fighting for the right to be a family. To then send the family away makes no - ah fuck it. I just inched closer to my MSPaint moustache. And I'm not afraid to use it.

Your move, Jeremy.

The credits roll. We cut to..somewhere, and Jeremy and Clay are meeting up with Romanov and that slightly-raised voice dude who got a bollocking from the not-sheriff last episode. Russian alpha shows that he's unarmed

werewolves don't use guns as a matter of honour. If you read the book that YOU'RE IN you'd know that.

Anyway. Clay is wearing the same shirt he wore in episodes 1 and 2, and Jeremy is wearing the same shirt that Clay was wearing in episode 3. Ruski is wearing the same suit that he always wears. When I said in the last review that the costume department walked out I was being sarcastic, but now I'm starting to think it might be true.

Clay stands guard while Jeremy and Russia wander off to discuss..stuff. I'm unsure how much longer it's going to be before our beloved Pack alpha has his face peeled off, but time will tell.

Back in Stonehaven, Dadwolf is examining the injuries he got from CGI last episode, which, honestly..look fuck all like bite marks. 

it does look like a lovely seashell though

My mistake, we're not in Stonehaven. We are in wherethefuckarewe.

no seriously wherethefuckarewe

Dadwolf starts to feel faint and experience heart palpitations because..he got bit by a werewolf? While being a werewolf himself? I don't know.

It's revealed that he's heading towards Jeremy. Clay, the Pack bodyguard, utilies his fine werewolf senses and declares Dadwolf's presence when he is a mere 10 feet away. Go, Pack bodyguard. It is then revealed that Jeremy is heading towards Russki. All of them have a getogether in a room while Jeremy holds an official looking briefcase that probably isn't filled with pokemon cards, but you never know.

I don't know what the poop is going on here. It looked for a moment like Jeremy was back to normal, but now it looks like he's merely taking hostages and blackmailing parties for his own possessive gain. He attempts to assert his balls by demanding the other two sit down and talk like men. Fortunately for me I am saved by the testosterone contest by the show cutting to a not phallic image. 

for fucks sake

It's where Count Constantine is being held, and being guarded by Elena. I don't think it's very wise to use the same base where Dadwolf just hid out (the location of which the Ruskis are fully aware of) to hide the Russian alpha's second in command, but what do I know, I'm not a guy. Speaking of guys, the men are in full-blown pissing contest mode

no really they do actually talk about piss here

and I can't actually be bothered to listen to three men shouting at each other in funny accents. I've had enough. Just get the scene over with, please? Jeremy interjects.

yeah, you did it, dumbass

And the Russians huff and pontificate some more. They pretty much flex their peacock feathers at each other. Russian alpha wants Dadwolf's life. Jeremy replies that he knows that's important to him, but that he has something even more valuable to offer, and gestures to his briefcase. I wonder whether it is pokemon cards, after all.

We (THANK FUCK) cut away from the puffing menfolk and cut back to stonehaven. A much more tolerable Nick attempts to console poor Katya, who is lost looking at the creepy/awesome Stonehaven paintings. 

I bet you my life savings they will sleep together in the next 60 minutes.

Katya rightly points out that for people who try to remain a secret, they're not very subtle. She's also rightly concerned that she's the only non-werewolf in what is now an expanding family of them, and wonders if she'll ever be allowed to go outside and live a normal life. Nick declines to mention the sheer amount of people who've died in the past day or so in Stonehaven, and tells her that the safest place for her is there. She asks what'll happen to her ultimately, and..Nick can't answer. Fail, Nick.

seriously it's a thing click on the link 

She is wearing exact the same clothes as yesterday, further removing comments about the wardrobe department from the realm of sarcasm, and thoroughly cementing them in fact. She contacts her 'friend' in the police force and asks her to investigate the Russian dude she blatantly abused yesterday, despite the fact that she has no right and the guy was doing nothing wrong in public. I can only theorise that the Cold War will never be forgotten.

Elena is back in the warehouse that looks more comfortable and more sanitary than my bedroom. She's still babysitting Count Constantine, who is wearing a collar that I can see is blatantly undoable by fingers, making this the third time that the show has failed at 50 shades and should really have it's license taken away.

like, yesterday

Regardless. In an uncharacteristic moment I can only describe as 'derp' Elena acts as if this gu - hostage is a trusted friend and not only relaxes, but begins to reveal her own family past to him in casual conversation. I would say she took a bump to the head, but..she's avoided those perfectly this season. Count Constantine absorbs the information and I wonder speicifically in  which episode this will bite her in the ass. Count Constantine does the same, but we already know that Romanov is a giant penis so it doesn't really reveal much. We are interrupted by a Pulp Fiction ripo - homage, and we wonder what's in the briefcase.

Jeremy claims that it will help Russia to forgive, and end the blood feud. I quite want to know what's in it so naturally we fuckin' cut to another scene instantly. 

It's Elena running in a trippy beige dream sequence through an empty house. While a naked Clay pursues her and - bum shot - the female demographic are happy. I am not.

The scene instantly cuts back to Elena speaking with Count Constantine so it's implied that she had this daydream while he was speaking to her and what the fuck show I guess maybe you had to get your nudity in because it's cheaper than violence and you haven't the budget for scary CGI so this is the only way you can justify the phoney mature rating.

Anyway, Elena suddenly acts aloof and like a bad cop, as if she hadn't just been opening up to Count Constantine like he was a therapist a mere five minutes ago. I add another point to the reasons why I think this show has two different writers who never speak to each other. Count Constantine asks some very, very basic questions.

I know why. It's in the fucking book. On the first fucking page. I will hit you with it. 

Is everyone on this show illiterate? Elena reminds us that it was Jeremy who saved her life and brought her through her Change. It's kinda nice to be reminded that Jeremy isn't actually an asshole. Right now, he's sort of teetering in the balance.

He's still trying to act as a buffer between the two testosterone-fuelled Ruskis, who are honestly making me very tired. I care not for politics, and I care not for male hormones. I care even less for hours of them all at the same time.

Fortunately Jeremy finally reveals what's in the briefcase,'s just money.

This is the big reveal? For crud's sake. You were acting as if the briefcase contained some sort of magical mediation tool, and it's just money!

It does work though. As previously revealed, the Ruski's monetary supplies were dwindling. So I suppose that drama was rectified rather easily.

Anyway, back in Stonehaven Katya is bollocking Sonwolf about raiding their kitchen. Once more, if she'd read the books, she'd know that werewolves have huge appetites and the Stonehaven wolves probably wouldn't give a damn.

 is it too late to somehow attach the books to a minigun and fire it at the writers?

Meanwhile back in the land of the Nosey, ex-sheriff is actually stalking the Russian guy with both binoculars and a complicit cop-friend on the phone. Now I'm certain this is crazy. She still has literally nothing on the guy except he spoke in another accent in a car park in a slightly raised voice. He committed no other crime, except for the fact of not being dulcet and not speaking American. Her persuit of this guy is fuckin' racist at this point.

'bloody commies'

Now the complicit cop on the phone (who is also committing a felony by reading out private files to a non-law enforcer) does actually reveal that while this dude may have done nothing wrong in their country, he does have a record back in Ruski. But the ex-sheriff didn't know this. So far she's been stalking him because he's a foriegner and slightly loud, and it was sheer dumb luck she came across someone who happened to have a record in another land halfway across the world. She definitely wasn't pursuing some sort of ex-cop instincts, otherwise she'd have wised up to the actual threat - which is the guy who rhymes with Shmeremy who'd previously buried  a dozen bodies on his property and was caught buying a body-disposal kit in broad daylight, by her.

Rant over.

So anyway, by being a racist misguided prat, our ex-sheriff accidentally stumbled across someone with poor intentions. I give it three episodes before she's eaten. Actually this is the second bet I've made in this review. I can inform you, I don't watch the episode then write the review. I watch it and write as it's playing. I haven't seen any of the future episodes either. If any of my predictions come true, I..want a Lamborghini, or something.

Well done, ya racist.

Anyway, back in immaculate warehouse Count Constatine is still musing about Elena. 

there's a really good guide to this, I linked it above

As would I, Elena ignores him.

Jeremy is still trying to bribe Russia with bills. Not even his own - the ones that the mutt they killed in episode two made - even though Jeremy is meant to be rich beyind measure too. "We'd have to discuss the particulars." says Romanov. 

please don't

Count Constantine continues to muse. 

Do you have a mute button

He continues to bait Elena and it's already biting in her in the ass that she was so flippant with him. The show is now cutting back and forth between Jeremy and the Ruskis talking, and Count Ruski baiting Elena, back and forth, back and forth..and I'm suffering not just whiplash but also from the cartoon accents and the shitty writing so much that I do not want to transcribe this. 

Finally it's explained just why the hell Dadwolf apparently killed Ruski's daughter. He didn't really. He fell in love with her and revealed to her werewolfism - so Romanov then killed her himself because..apparently werewolves really can't fuckin' let any humans exist who know about them no matter who they are. So really, Dadwolf didn't kill her, it was filicide. Get the fuck out, Russian Alpha. I can't wait to see you fermenting.

After some more cutting between scenes (fuck this RIP my copy paste hand) Dadwolf quite rightly points out that

Dadwolf is on point and this is a contention I've had with the show (and numerous other shows/books) in the past. In case you didn't notice, the world is already quite aware of the myth of the werewolf anyway. We have been for thousands of years, in every single country and continent to ever exist. You guys, quite frankly, suck at hiding it. Do you actually kill your own daughters, then go home in the evening and watch werewolf shows on Netflix'? You're busted already! You've been busted for thousands of years! Stop acting like if you guys let one human run around saying the word 'werewolf' anyone is going to take her seriously and you'll all be put in zoos. It's not going to happen you twats. 

truth hurts

Dadwolf asks Jeremy to side with him. Jeremy displays the same brainpower he's collectively had for the entire season.

uh dude? we already know

The shit hits the fan and the menfolks are acting illogical as, well hysterical women. Dadwolf rightly points out that his children will die despite being innocent. Ruski says that Dadwolf killed his daughter, despite the fact that it was Ruski who put his hands round his daughter's throat and killed her. Perhaps someone should point out the difference between murder and manslaughter to him. Like, soon. There is more testosterone flying around and there's still 18 minutes of this and I am really, really struggling. 

my face right now


Count Constatine grabs Elena and tells her (while grinning like a deranged motherfucker)

pictured: wat

Elena protests, yelling "I am not a Navigav!"

That's it. I'm out. I'm done. I am so done. I don't have a fucking clue what's going on here and I bet neither do you. This is offically worse than an Eastenders episode, and I'm going to insist that upon the end of this review, you play this video.

Count breaks free from his chains, and announces that Elena is a Navigav and an Antonov, and therefore must die. It fades to black and my consciousness nearly follows.

Elena and Count Constantine fight. He selects chain. Elena selects chair and justifiable confusion.  They scrap.

Russian victim-of-racism pulls up and ex-sheriff is in hot pursuit. She's swapped from a light blue cardigan to a red one, so we know she means business.

'red like you popovs'

She disembarks from her car armed with nothing but a comfortable shoes, a small gun, and a fine sense of xenophobia.

Elena and Count Constantine are still scrapping with chains, the most impractical weapon ever after nunchucks. Count manages to somehow use them to toss Elena against a wall and escape. I told you that his bonds were easily breakable. If you guys had just listened to - oh never mind.

Clay, still acting as bodyguard, hears a funny sound. He hides, and it takes until his assailant is literally two feet away from him to realise that it's none other than..Sonwolf. How're that werewolf sense of smell working for you in this episode, Clay?

Clay grabs him and throws him against a crate


But Sonwolf expresses concern for his Dad and says that he wants to fight. I admit, I do sort of like Sonwolf. Sure I don't like him enough to actually learn his name - but I do like him enough to notice that he cares about honour, and defending his Dad and his sister. Both of his sisters. He might be silly, but he's not a bad person, and that's saying a lot in what this show has become. I hope he makes it to the end.

Upstairs the men are STILL TALKING and I'm fucking falling asleep. 

Paul McKenna got nothing on this shit

Russia says they've wasted enough time, and now they must move forward. Fucking finally. He appears to activate some signal device in his watch/belt/I can't tell and I don't care and his hired goons sitting in the car move in.

Luckily, not-sheriff is still hanging around.

I wouldn't actually be surprised if she could kick all their asses

Clay, since they're reallyreally close, can also hear the intruders. He marches off to action, after warning Sonwolf to

Unfortunately, Sonwolf appears to be experiencing a few previously-never experienced things. And it ain't puberty.

although, many films and essays would argue that lycanthropy is a metaphor for puberty, now is not the time to argue

And..this setup looks pretty badass. No hear me out. I will praise the show when it's good. I will criticise it when it's bad. It's gotten a lot more of the latter recently because it's been piss-poor. But this episode has had a few redeeming qualities to it, which I've already pointed out. If this does actually culminate in Sonwolf experiencing his first pu - transformation just in time to save his family, I will be impressed.

Get to it, show.

The teenage boy starts to strip and look uncomfortable. Under any other context I'd be arrested for praising this - but in this context, it's perfect. 

Clay moves to take out the assailants.

if you get within 5 feet of me, I can see you

Innocent/not innocent Ruski wolf appears

is there a word for that?

Clay looks smug. 

Along with whothefuckareyou#6

Clay looks less smug. 

apparently he's forggoten he's the famed Pack enforcer who's capable of slaughterning an entire room. Someone should really read his book to him

They advance on Clay. They proceed to have a fight, of couse in human forms. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again - if i wanted to see humans fighting, I would just stick my head out the window 

Clay breaks whothefuckareyou#6's neck with alacrity. Apparently he does remember he's the Pack enforcer, after all.

Innocent/not innocent Ruski is pissed. He does an awkward post-neck crack, and advances. Ex-sheriff is still stalking aroiund in the background.

i too am still under contract


Russia requests that Jeremy never help Dadwolf again, and to exile him and to let him suffer. It's okay Russia, Jeremy was already going to do that without your villianous influence.

I never thought I'd say this, but Ruski finally puts an end to all this testosterone posturing by headbutting Jeremy and reaching for his knife in his belt, which to be honest he's been fiddling with for the past 30 minutes how did neither of you notice that.


He attacks Dadwolf and wounds him, leading him to leave a bloody smear on the window a la Titanic, but less erotic. Or is it?


This tips not-sheriff off, who still really has no business being here. She ascends the stairs, armed with nothing but middle-aged clothing and a healthy dose of xenophobia. Unfortunately at this moment, a naked teenage boy stumbles out of the warehouse behind her, groaning in pain and apparently about to go through his first change. 

I don't have a caption for this. Go nuts.

Jeremy and Russia have an oldman fight.

Outside, Sonwolf goes through some 'changes' while not-cop witnesses.

 'Relax? I'm a fucking werewolf!'

And this is frankly the most badass imagery the show has had this season.

ruh roh

Sheriff-who-has-no-business-here enters the testosterone room, and is promptly severely stabbed in the leg by Russia. Jeremy pulls her to safety, while Russia runs away with the briefcase.

Russia gets away


So Sonwolf isn't going to eat himself some russian stroganoff. This I am mildly disappointed about, considering the buildup. 

However, Jeremy is still acting like a decent human being towards his Pack which marginally makes up for it. He's also acting like a decent human being towards mall-cop, and tourniquets her leg. 

better late than never

Elena asks him what he'll do with her since she witnessed a werewolf change, but since it seems he's retracted to book status and hasn't earned his dictator moustache for a whole episode now, I'm assuming he's not going to be a murderer. Plus, they made googly eyes at each other earlier.

He orders Nick to drive Katya to safety. 

Katya laments that she has to run and hide unlike her male relatives, and I kind of want one of them to turn her.

There are more airport shenanigans.

because i wasn't tired of these

Russia bollocks the Count. Count reveals to Russia why Dadwolf is important to them. So it offically took less than 20 minutes for that to bite her in the ass. Do I get a cookie, or something..

Clay runs through the forest (in human form of course) trying to track down Sonwwolf. Sonwolf is experiencing his first ever werewolf trope (refer to #6 of the werewolf cliche handbook) and has woken up naked in the forest. It happens to the best of us, kid. 

Unfortunately, Sonwolf has woken up covered in human blood. Clay relentlessly quizzes him about what he hunted and then proceeds to look around the forest hopelessly, apparently forgetting that he's a seasoned werewolf who could Change in a matter of minutes and track down whatever was injured in even less.

Back in Stonehaven Dadwolf is resting after recieving a scratch from a beltbuckle.

 you killed a werewolf with a pen earlier and now you're KOed by a beltbuckle

Elena rushes to comfort her inconsistent Dadwolf. She is unfortunately flattened by

this shit again

To which no one really cares.

The credits roll and I am OUT OF HERE SEE YOU SUCKERS i am off to do something less painful


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