Bitten S03E01 I don't even know what it's called yet

It's 3:09 in the morning and I find myself drunk, sitting in my underwear, tapping away at my computer while thinking 'why am I doing this to myself.'

Jokes on you, this was actually a quote from one of the Bitten scriptwriters

We begin our show exactly how we left it at the end of last season - everything is on fucking fire. 

Also how the Bitten studios look on a good day

Episode Ten: Fine Temporum

While at the airport (?) we start off with some slapstick comedy as the werewolves can't quite find their footing.

Evilpants put down some banana peels for them

Episode Nine: Scavenger's Daughter

For some reason, after having just met him a girl is following Mr Evilpants into his dark basement (COME ON) and now I know this isn't Canadians being accommodating, this is just stupid.

Yeah, a murder mystery

Welcome!

I accidentally started reviewing what is possibly the worst assault on civilised culture in the whole world, the TV adaptation of Kelley Armstrong's novel, Bitten. More specifically, series two. I originally wrote these in a closed facebook group for a small group of old friends after each episode aired, but I decided to make my ramblings public. 

Disclaimer: These reviews won't make any sense unless you've already read the book and have seen the show. They start off short and gradually get longer as they snowball into a rolling boulder of impotent rage and funny pictures. I tried my best to edit these so they'd make sense to everyone else.

Buckle in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Episode Eight: Dark Arts

Here we go. We begin with another flashback, which features our dialogue-highlight of the show only two minutes in - "You'll pay for this!"

Mr. Evilpants does some David Blaine gone wrong and lives in a world where pedestrians allow strangers to jam metal spikes through their arm without even asking first. I know Canadians are accommodating, but come on.

EvilpantsClay meets up with Jeremy and Nick, the former having forgotten that he's meant to have telepathic abilities and should be able to sense that that's not Clay in a nanosecond but oh well.

Shmaige says what is without a doubt my most favourite line so far in the whole series

FUCKING YES

Episode Seven: Bad Dreams

I did it! Damn, I want a cookie. Episode 7.

So, we start off with a photoshopped dream sequence claiming that everyone will be dead by dawn. Shmavannah/MacGuffin#2 looks quite distressed by this but honestly, I'm all for this idea.

Elena and Clay have a conversation abou - BUM SHOT t- perhaps going away for a while, and Elena nonchalantly chops off her hair. I'm less distressed by this than I thought I'd be. I mean I have and I love long hair but..for her to be traumatised and to want to do something different to distance herself from the situation seems quite understandable. Heck, if I'd signed a contract to do 10 episodes of this show, I'd be mutilating myself too.

Meanwhile, the entire female viewer population is satisfied

Episode Six: Nine Circles

The things I do for you people. So our show begins with a topic so heavy that it's in way over its head before its even 30 seconds in - baby murder. I dunno how that lady managed to not only slip a loud crying baby past Ruth but also get it to a church, or why Ruth would take her word for it that she'd done the deed when she clearly doesn't trust her from the second she falls into her house - but hey ho. We only got about a minute before the credits have to roll.

Moon Moon and MacGuffin#1 have a heart to heart. Macguffin#1 finally realises that MoonMoon is an idiot and tells him to leave her alone, but all I can concentrate on is the really funny squiggly line vein in his forehead that looks like the circuit resistor symbol.

I am not a mature person. 

Episode Six: Wait, no

I just started watching it. I got to about 50 seconds in and I snapped. I uh, I need a while longer before I can do my review. I can't do this tonight, I'm still sore from the last episode >.<

I saw the ''50 years ago' writing and my exposition picture started twitching. Then I saw a dead black cat and a pile of money on a table and my brain just went 'noooooooooooope'. I can't do this. I just can't. It..my brain. My soul. It hurts. It all hurts.

Can I please have a hug? Maybe some chocolate? And a beer or six.

I feel like it's my duty to get through this. I just.. /weep

There he is

I fucked off to watch Ice Age instead. 

Still a better plot than Bitten

Episode Five: Rabbit Hole

Like last time, I'll begin this review with a bunch of questions. This guy seems to own the compound and is offended by the two-headed bunnies.

This shit. It is weird. Yo.

Who is he? Does he know what the company he's in charge of is even doing? Does he know about werewolves? Is his IMDB credit 'Hired Suit'? (I bet money that it is)

Episode Four: Dead Meat

I was actually really impressed with this episode. I didn't actually have any funny pictures to make or things to take the mickey out of.

Until this woman opened her mouth.

Aw, shit.