Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Episode Two: Scare Tactics

Our show begins by taking our beloved Clay (who in the books is a mysterious parentless barely restrained psychopath only just attuned to civisation) and..showing an idyllic depiction of his childhood. It is a good start.

The first series merrily butchered his present character by depicting him as cardboard with stubble, and now the second series is working on his past character too. It's good to have all bases covered!

Anyway we see that Clay in fact had a not only a loving father but also a devoted mother who here refers to him as a 'special man'. His father is due to arrive in just a few minutes. RIP in peace all vestigial remnants of Clay's interesting character traits that weren't already steamrollered in season one.

Fortunately Clay has no idea about any of this, because oops a werewolf eats his parents two minutes in. This is the mysterious (read: Underdeveloped) Malcolm, who, like Clay's parents, should also not only be dead, but not even a part of the story in the first pace.

So naturally, the show decides to give him an entire character arc of his very own. Well..arc is a strong word, it's more like he's there and he says words and runs around pretending to be a villain while wearing grandfather clothes.

If it hasn't already been made clear by the first episode: the crazy woman producer (we'll get to her later) of this show decided that she wanted to go in her own direction with the story, and would not be basing the show on the second novel. This..wouldn't be such an awful thing if the incoming story wasn't written by monkeys.

Luckily for, as the saying goes, give a room full of monkeys some typewriters and they'll eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Unluckily for us, these monkeys instead mashed their faces on the keyboard and threw shit around.

Clay arrives at his old trailer 30 years after this event, and it sure was good of that old man neighbour to stick around in the exact same spot for 30+ years so that he could explain Clay's entire childhood in less than a minute though.

"Dat's her blood on da floor."

I noticed they only showed a 'Change' in the first 4 minutes of this episode and the last episode too. That's a sales technique called 'bait and switch'. The audience tunes into the first few minutes, mistakes the show for a werewolf one - and is then encouraged to watch for the remaining 45 minutes - where little is done except talking, gurning, and shredding great literature to bits. Definitely nothing werewolf related.

Below: a more common depiction of bait and switch. 

The second episode also introduces us to Paige. Paige, I feel, deserves an entry all of her own. Here is a brief history of Paige, as depicted in the novels. 

"She wasn't very tall. Long, curly brown hair, regular features, green eyes - the type of woman most often described as 'cute'. The kind of figure men love and women hate, the full curves so maligned in a world of Jenny Craig and Slim-Fast."

Paige is a 30something witch from Masachussets. Paige likes sundresses. She likes sandals, sunshine, comfortable clothes. She's average looking, friendly, and a little chubby. Paige is likeable. Paige is funny, practical, intelligent, and charming. Paige is the very embodiment of normalcry - she'd be just like a regular woman if it wasn't for the witchcraft that she's simultaneously learning and keeping under wraps. She's devoted her life to not just protecting but also maintaining the secrecy of her coven and her wiccan nature - which is essential to not just her survival but of her coven too. 

Space was all over this - 

And by 'all over' I mean 'lol didn't read'

This here Cradle of Filth reject is the TV show Paige. I'm going to call her Shmaige. Shmaige is the 13 year olds' version of a 'witch'. Shmaige lurks around in a dark forest while stroking her pentagram tattoo. Shmaige is a goth, because why not, all witches are goths, right? Yus that is just what we thought when we were all young and silly and The Craft had just come out. Thing is we're no longer young and silly and The Craft came out 20 years ago - and as far as I know a team of adults is in charge of this show, not 13 year old girls.

Why in the everliving poop is Paige a goth? Why is she dressed all in black? Why is she snooping around in a dark forest complete with flashing owls and brimstone-esque symbols? Is it because the creators of this show are not intelligent enough to visualise a witch that's not dressed all in black, riding around on a broomstick complete with pointy hat while cackling 'I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!'

Way to take a story about unique powerful women who break the mould and instead reduce them to infantile stereotypes, Space. Really proud of you. The butchery of fine characters knows no bounds, I can't wait to see what they come up with next. Next you'll be telling me that they took an important Dumbledorian beloved venerable respectable wise old 70-year old mentor and cast a hot 30-year old in her pla -

Pictured: Paige's 70 YEAR OLD MOTHER

This is gong to hurt.

So yeah, I don't really like what they've done to the witches. In the novels they're the perfect example of their genre, Urban Fantasy; as in they'd be completely normal people if not for the supernatural element of their life that - although it may shape them - they work on maintaining it along with a normal life. But the witches in this show are so stereotypical that if they don't start the next episode by flying in on a broomstick I'm going to be disappointed. What'd they do to Paige :( She's meant to be likeable! Why are the witches the villians?

Philip's sister/Idina Menzel says it better than I could - 

Nick says it even more.

Highlights of this episode include: Logan getting defeated by a doorknob. Good boy. 

What do?

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