Sunday, 14 February 2016

Bitten S03E01 I don't even know what it's called yet

It's 3:09 in the morning and I find myself drunk, sitting in my underwear, tapping away at my computer while thinking 'why am I doing this to myself.'

Jokes on you, this was actually a quote from one of the Bitten scriptwriters

We begin our show exactly how we left it at the end of last season - everything is on fucking fire. 

Also how the Bitten studios look on a good day

Elena is doing some facetime into the camera.

That the show was picked up again? Don't worry we won't

For some reason she's concerned that she's going to kill everyone. Granted this would be my reaction upon discovering I'd been drafted into doing another ten episodes of this too, but her reasoning appears to be more prophecised than visceral. 

'I'm under contract'

Elena is concerned that she will bring about the downfall of her pack, and it's clear in the first few minutes that this show has stol - adopted a mid-2008 American Horror story style, expect with werewolves instead of witches.


Paige, as kind and benevolent as ever, offers some words of support to a clearly distraught Elena. 


we all are.

Our Alpha Jerermy is in the basement of Stonehaven, relaxing to some piano music and reminiscing about all the people he's gotten killed and all the assorted fuckups he's made this season. 

I was going to insert a picture of them all here, but this is a free website and won't support images that large

He sniffs some hair, gets a flashback of his father saying stuff, then musters his Pack together to remind them that, numerically, they're getting kinda small. Suddenly we're interrupted by Clay tiptoeing through the forest, pursuing a trespasser (in human form, naturally) who is then tripped up by Cain. 

Wait what

No seriously, wait what? I thought Cain died in the second season when he got shot to death in the final episode? Heck I thought he died in the first season when Clay chopped him up into little pieces and poured him down the drain.


I thought it was explicitly shown not once but twice that Cain was dead and whatever it's only 5 minutes in and I have to finish writing this before I have a heart attack.

Elena pops out from behind a tree, and explains that Jeremy is interested in expanding the Pack. Jeremy and Clay are down south, opening a can of whoop-ass on some mutts who are becoming reckless with their criminal activity and thus threatening to expose their species. They question why Jeremy now has a packful of werewolves who resurrect more than Jesus, to which Jeremy replies with a quote that I know, I just know is going to become my new meme for this series. 

Jeremy attempts to assert control over the mutts, who, after expressing some disagreement - are promptly killed and erase this entry from their IMDB history.

I will never act again

Meanwhile, Nick is off looking shady with a briefcase. He's visiting Rachel, who is busy raising MoonMoon's child. He slowly and ominously reaches into the case, and..draws out a teddy bear. Seriously watch it. Our show is so strapped for genuine menace and scares, that it has to make full use of a stuffed animal looking scary. 

I am the harbinger of death

He and Rachel have a brief conversation about parenting and tummy time, when the lighting short-circuits. Nick reminds Rachel that she can't have anyone visit the house (why?) and that he'd be happy to play the part of handyman for her. She confesses to being worried about Jeremy taking away her baby, despite the fact that we know that werewolf children aren't taken from their mothers until they hit puberty. I know this. You know this. The show has said this. People who haven't read the books know this. A small tribe of ice-people in Greenland who don't speak a lick of English know this. Why are we worried? 

Too soon?

Nick comforts Rachel regardless.

Back in Stonehaven, the Pack eats while Elena expresses concern that the criminal packmembers they just intiated under threat of death may not be entirely trustworthy. Derp. Clay (whose hair is looking particularly Mmmbop today) acts the complete opposite of his book-character and suggests they stop worrying and take the day off.

Mmm bop, bop bop doo bop hey yeaaahhh

Elena announces that she is going to go see Rachel. Jeremy puts his paw down and forbids it. 'It's bad enough that Nick is seeing her' he says. Now, this is a thing I was going to mention earlier - this is not Jeremy. The real Jeremy is not like this. The real Jeremy may be stern yes, but he also exercises wisdom, compassion, and maturity above all else. This Jeremy (do I have to start calling him Shmeremy?) is, quite frankly, a dickhead. Here, he's outright forbidding Elena to go visit not just her friend, but a woman who has just simultaneously lost her husband, been forced into single-parenthood, and is being threatened with childnapping in the unknown-near future. In fact, all us book readers know that the real Jeremy would never be this much of a

Just in case there are any children reading this. Get the fudge off the blog.

Elena actually has to remind him that Logan was important to them,, and Shmeremy puts his paw down further.

Jesus christ Jeremy. I'm trying to save Hitler jokes on my blog for a last resort, but you're making it really, really hard.

Mmmbop, ooohhh shit.

Elena falls in line. Hans - Clay finds her in the basement, where they talk about getting their own house. This is something that the two characters wouldn't even consider in the books - but holy hell after the display above I'd be thinking about moving to another continent, let alone a new house. Elena points out that the family has become a dictatorshop and not a Pack, and Clay acts like a wet blanket and displays some uncharacteristic loyalty towards Jeremy. I say uncharacteristic because it's in keeping with bookClay but not in keeping with TVShow Clay and then I got so confused I fell over. I just don't know what's going on anymore. 

Back upstairs we meet 

Who the fuck are you

Joey, who reveals that he's convinced another group of mutts to fall under Jeremy's dictatorship. 'Do I have their compliance?' Mein Kampf instantly asks (I'm so sorry I caved already) to which Joey assures he does. Jeremy rises from the table and announces they must attack the North 

Because Winter is Coming and the Boltons won't wait. Oh shit sorry, wrong show. A green lazer pointer flashes through the window, and targets Jeremy's back. A bullet is fired and for some reason Joey jumps in the way (Joey no!) and Jeremy is suddenly under fire.

fucking yes

We cut to Yukon, where the camera pans around some old man I don't recognise and the wind makes scary noises like a teddy bear and one of the mutts that Jeremy outright bullied earlier is migrating to Dawson city.  He happens across an abandoned van on the road that also happens to be making loud hissing noises

seems legit

And is promptly stabbed through the foot and dragged into a barn. Aforementioned old man starts beating him, demanding to know who sent him.


Migrating mutt tells it how it is, that the Fuhrer is demanding that all mutts either join the Pack or die and that he's simply trying to get away. He goes on to say that things have changed since the female werewolf joined the ranks, despite the fact that chronologically Elena joined the Pack some 10 years ago and things have only started to change just right now. But hey this is the South, what do you expect. Speaking of Changing.. Where are all the frickin' werewolves!

It's almost's a werewolf show?

Old werewolf gets pissed and dispatches Migrating Mutt not with any teeth or claws, but with a knife. We cut back to Stonehaven, where Elena has tracked down the location of the mystery shooter, who honestly I just want to shake by the hand. Jeremy orders complete genocide on the man, and to which Elena and Clay respond by -

oh hello

This had better prelude a Change or I'm fuckin' walking out now.

fucking yes

Elena and Clay pursue the shooter, who is running on foot through the forest. Clay corners him, only to be taken out by a rock

The Pack bodyguard, everyone

But fortunately Elena intercepts and the chase is on. Unfortunately the mystery shooter escapes them over a fence. Clay headbutts the fence, and ultimately admits defeat. The pack Changes back (wolf forms never to be seen again) and split up on foot in human form to track him down, because that makes sense. 

Luckily, Canadians have a great sense of smell!

Clay is promptly shot at multiple times (hey, it didn't stop Cain, why should it stop you) but luckily, once more, Elena appears and hits the shooter upside the head.

I recall someone saying that the producer of this show had a slight WOMAN STRONG complex

The boys finally catch up and surround the shooter. Jeremy interrogates him, gives him half a second to speak, then knocks him unconscious and orders him taken back to the concentration camp for interrogation. Meanwhile, the Pack is watched by

who the fuck are you

Anyway. Back at Stonehaven, Nick gives Joey some background history.

just in case any future scriptwriters are reading this, you're supposed to do this -before- they die, not after

Nick explains that he had a history or..something, I don't know I'm not really listening. Nick stomps off with manly gritted teeth, and Clay walks in and pulls his torture implements out of the drawer. Normally I'd be okay with this - but I hate the way he then proceeds to defend his actions to Elena. As if she doesn't know he's the Pack enforcer. As if he doesn't know he's a borderline-sociopath whose history of torture and maiming hasn't been the only thing keeping them alive for decades. As if she doesn't know that it's Clay's job to torture anyone who threatens the Pack - and to do and has done whatever is necessary to them in order to protect his family countless times in the past. She knows that. We know that. Why is Clay getting a 'woman' look just for pulling his tools out of a drawer? Show.

Character consistency, look it up.

'I'm going to Mmbop him.'

Nick, Clay, and Jeremy interrogate the shooter in the basement. Nick for some reason displays even more emotion now than he did when his own father was killed, and tries to end him. Clay stops him and gives the women of the show an accidental ab shot. Mystery shooter remains unperterbed, simply saying that his death will only add more fuel to the fire. Jeremy responds by admitting his multiple killings of Spanish people ("You're the third Spanish wolf I've killed")

I am no stranger to the homicide of an entire nation you see

And hangs mystery shooter (who it transpires is named Pablo) in an attempt to figure out how many hitmen that rat-faced werewolf from the last episode in season two

Remember him? Neither do I

has sent after him. Jeremy (fuck this, he en't worthy of the book name, I'm calling him Sheremy) rips the Pablo's nails out with pliers. Clay, who is almost getting the moniker Shmay right now, helps. Sheremy continues the torture. He points out that shooter has a high-pain threshold, and perhaps there is something in the history of his blood that could make him talk (You're the third Spanish wolf I've killed")

And I know aaaalll about torture inflicted upon a particular race

Pablo merely laughs at Sheremy, who laughs back.

This is just horrible. Seriously. Fuck, show

Sheremy threatens to gouge out his eyes. Slowly. He orders Clay to get the knife. I nearly walk out of this show at 34 minutes in, because seriously, I cannot bold stand bold to see someone who is meant to represent Jeremy talk like this.

insert witty gif later

Clay holds the knife to his eye. Pablo breaks and tells Sheremy who sent him. Sheremy relents and departs back upstairs.

Nick, Clay, and Sheremy convene at the kitchen table. Sheremy goes back to his war table, and begrudgingly admits that it was smart of Pablo's brother to ambush him where he did. He then tells Clay to go downstairs and finish the task.

Clay, being a mere popstar/still slightly human being, displays reticence. He says he does not want to kill Pablo. Sheremy, and I quote, says

I'm so sorry I didn't want to do this but they gave me no choice

Clay somehow manages to reason with Jeremy, who merely settles with forcing Clay to BREAK HIS RIGHT HAND TO BITS instead. 'Settles'. Jesus. Christ. Show. What the hell happened. I can tell you that you and me are in this together, and I have to review another 9 of you yet. Right now I'm not entirely certain I can do the last 9 minutes.

Clay goes back into the basement to discover that Pablo is pretty much dead already (leaving someone hanging by the neck will DO THAT YOU TWATS) and he hastens to pull him down. Sadly Pablo is already dead.

 Elena is off somewhere blissfully unaware of the complete monsters her adoptive father and lifemate have turned into. She reaches into her car, and is encountered by a fangirl. The fangirl has an alarming bit of information

kids and their smartphones

and reveals herself to be named Kayja. She beseeches Elena to not be alarmed, and her brother and father 'also werewolves' pull up in the car. It's the old man from earlier. Elena says 'fuck this I'm done' and goes to drive off, but Katja, in the true understanding that the female producer has of 'WOMAN STRONG' has her say 'I'll scream' which causes Elena to pause and get out of her car just to avoid trouble. Elena agrees to chat with her, so long as the two creepy menfolk who just pulled up keep their distance.

We cut to Pablo's brother, Eduardo. Who is listening to classical music while sitting in his badguy hideout/meth lab (classical music makes everything ten times creepier). He's found allies in the mutts that Sheremy and Clay threatened and bullied earlier (no shit Jeremy!) and wait is Eduardo the rat-faced werewolf from the end of season two? I just can't te - care enough to notice right now so I'd love it if someone would confirm this for me.  Anyway, he gives a motivating speech about feral wolves burying their teeth in throats (paha like you ever bluddy change) and it's all rather hilarious. He confesses he wants nothing more than the assassination of Jeremy Danvers (so do I buddy, so do I).

i'm sorry I just can't take you seriously you're like 5 feet tall

Nick, Jeremy, and Clay pull up to his hideout in human form of course

Luckily, Canadians also have extra strong fingernails!

and close in. They bust down the doors. Sherermy observes that Eduardo and his Mutts have been heavily arming themselves. Clay tries to warn Sheremy that they're going to come after him, and Sheremy displays his epeen and proclaims that he's coming after them instead. I don't really care who is coming after who at this point, I sort of want it all to be over.

Elena gives audience to the old man wolf, who reveals himself to be called Sasha. Elena expresses rightful concern that she (as the Pack's official werewolf secretary) has never heard of him nor his son or human daughter. Sasha explains that they've kept a low profile, hunting caribou like true Canadians. Elena tries to back away and call her Pack, but Sasha implores her to stay. What comes next has so many jokes attached to it that I just can't function. I'm sorry. I just can't. I can't even. I can't even so much, I feel like a teenage girl again.


I can't do this anymore.



  1. ROTFLMFAO I don't even need to watch; reading your recaps is glorious enough. Here, have a beer or six. :P

  2. This was perfection. I so wanted to love this show, because I absolutely adore the books. But this... I couldn't even give it the True Blood handwave of, "Oh, but the books are the books, and the show is the show." No. No. Nonononono. Noooooooooooooo. No.