Insert your own soviet Russia joke here
Where two people are talking to each other in fluent English for some reason. It's the Russian Pack Alpha whom we met in season two, interrogating a woman he's handcuffed to the bed. He accuses her of being a witch, which she denies and since I'm still genuinely profoundly disturbed by what happened when season two tried to do 50 Shades, I nearly skipped reviewing this scene altogether. Suffice to say it goes the same way as the Salem Witch trials and dear god it's not even the 4 minute mark and I'm distressed already.
Fortunately our witch breaks free, outing the electricity and spouting a prophecy in the process. It's a good job she's here to get the exposition out the way in the first five minutes, because I've officially retired my Exposition man from last year.
You had a good run, you magnificent bastard
She gives us a powerpoint presentation. One of the slides reveals a 'Wolf' (Elena's father) and our Witch announces that he is the one who betrayed the Russian Alpha, and that he's presently with Elena. I'm confused because everyone knows it was actually the rat-faced Spanish one who betrayed them (no seriously it said it in the 'previously' two minutes ago) and then goes on to reveal
Good, I'm glad we got that cleared up
Well that's just silly
Russia asks "Vat else do you see!" right before we cut to opening credits. As we do, Bittenblogger takes a moment to go weep silently in the corner.
what am i doing with my life
Once the credits are done, we cut to some commercials. A hallmark ad is playing.
Oh wait no we are still airing
It is Elena, having a flashback to the happy childhood that she sure as heck didn't have in the books. Or the show. Seriously, didn't she mention a rough past in season one?
Elena sits on a bench with her father who actually has to tell her that she was adopted while Elena sit with her head in her hands and acts as if she has no prior memory as to where she came from up until now.
I resist the urge to tape the book to a stick and inflict GBH on the scriptwriters with it, and Saha tells Elena that he tried to find her but he was stuck in Russia for 30 years. I, being completely unable to make up any Soviet Russia jokes at the moment, decide to let this slide.
Seriously there's one on the tip of my tongue I swear
Suddenly, Elena notices she and Dadwolf are being tailed by
Whothefuckareyou#2. from the first episode
And some creepy music plays.
We cut to the rest of our beloved Pack, who are examining the warehouse Eduardo and his mutts just scampered from.
Jeremy establishes his Reich early this episode, and flat-out announces that he wants their heads. He orders Clay (whose brain seems to be deteriorating into popstar mentality alongside his looks) to calln in reinforcements.
Meanwhile, whothefuckareyou#2 circles Elena and her new family. Elena peels off and entices him to follow
her into the scenery full of bags and boxes absolutely perfect for throwing people into.
They fight and
Elena, in true Streets of Rage fashion selects pipe. Unfortunately whothefuckareyou#2 gains the upper hand, and is about to dispatch Elena when her father swoops in and breaks his neck. And promptly drives away again.
why are you driving off you just neutralised the very danger that made you move in the first place
Back in Stonehaven, Elena has taken a lead out of Bittenblogger's book and has hit the drink. Hanso - Clay enters, asking how his lifemate is doing. Elena explains everything that happened in the last two minutes, also explaining that she was in fact born in Russia. Clay rightly announces 'But that's crazy'.
Maybe but it would explain the hat I was wearing earlier
Clay in a rare moment of being-in-keeping-with-his character, expresses concern that there is a human out there (Elena's sister) who knows of their existence and is permitted to walk freely. He suggests that this all may be a trick fabricated by Eduardo designed to manipulate them. They have a slight tiff, and Elena seems to believe that Dadwolf might in fact be genuine. She drifts off to a few more Lenor flashbacks
I do; I read the books. Want me to explain?
musing that once she was adopted, she gave up on ever finding any of her blood-relatives. I'm confused because earlier, Dadwolf said that Elena had been adopted and Elena responded by acting like this was a surprise to her. I decide to move on before my brain short-circuits. Elena rather sweetly embraces Clay, saying that she finally found her real family - with him.
'It's not like you cursed me against my will and I immediately ran away and fully and unconditionally shut you out of my life until season one premièred or anything.'
Clay also rather sweetly replies 'You have your family within me. And I ain't goin' nowhere, Darlin'.' which is the exact kind of speech he'd use in the books so I'm temporarily appeased. Then some sexy music starts and wait
No I don't want to watch this, I don't get paid enough and I'm not hetero enough for OH NO STOP
*bittenblogger fast-forwards the tape, sorry ladies*
Back in the warehouse, Jeremy and Nick are still ransacking the place while Jeremy mutters dires threats to himself under his breath. Nick chooses to ignore his leader slowly unwinding before his eyes, and discovers a scrap of paper in a bin instead.
And off our intrepid (?) heroes go. Nick, equipped with binoculars, says the only line from this episode that made me chuckle 'Reality TV makes these places seem a lot more interesting than they really are.' and they wait for the area to clear so that they can move in, and I quote 'finish this'
Meanwhile back in Stonehaven, two of the Mutts who Jeremy and Clay blatantly bullied into servitude have arrived to help.
you two seem absolutely trustworthy and not at all likely to resent being forced into slavery
Clay isn't paid to think.
Dadwolf and his children embark on an abandoned warehouse and settle down for the night. Seriously how many abandoned warehouses do you Canadians have? It's like there's one every five minutes. Katja is concerned because her brother is growing strong, moody, and hairy. It's not puberty - he's about to undergo his first change. Dadwolf searches for a strong enough room to contain him, explaining what happened on the night of his first change.
'woke up surrounded by empty vodka bottles and questionable political affiliations'
Back in Bear Valley, the mutt working for Eduardo breaks into Stonehaven
by walking through the front foor. Because no one locks it. Y'all deserve to get shanked
He and Clay have a standoff because they both wore the same outfit and hairdo.
this is so embarassing
Clay asks him if he can hammer nails. Doppelmutt announces 'git 'er done' and proceeds to break some windows. He casually mentions that Jeremy seems to be particularly fascist-like today, which Clay responds negatively to. Doppelmutt enquires whether the Pack is still torturing and murdering anyone who disagrees with them
'Because it really smells like someone died here yesterday'
And Clay simply replies 'We stick together we survive together' which is a nice say of saying 'work for us or we'll kill you' but whatever. There's a crashing sound in the distance.
It was just Elena dropping a plate; Jeremy's new regime hasn't risen against him just yet. She announces that she's going to cook dinner for the new 'recruits' but accidentally has an existential crisis instead.
IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY PUT YOUR BOXFUL OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES NEXT TO THE CARROTS
After a few kitchen jokes, Clay tries to comfort her while some mopey piano music plays.
'except i don't really because i spent my entire childhood/half my teenage years running around as a feral wolf with no human contact and humans still disgust me to this day. if i read my book, i might know that.'
Fortunately I'm soon saved from this emotional mess, as recuit#2 has discovered a body in the backyard. After sniffing the air he is promptly shot through the head by Eduardo, who for some reason is on Stonehaven territory and I don't know why and I don't really care he's like two-feet tall what is he going to do to them kick them in the shins
Elena is cooking in the kitchen. Doppelmutt saunters in, acting like a sleaze in the bar while more creepy music plays. Elena feigns being unconcerned and casually warns him that Clay will be back soon. Doppelmutt idly comments that the house is now secure, but there's a "looooota entrance points in the kitchen" and goes and locks the kitchen door. He then ambles back to Elena and practically sniffs her, despite the fact that Elena is holding a big-ass kitchen knife.
Uh doppelmutt? This won't end well.
He comments that this whole ordeal must be extra tough for her because she's a woman, alongside being a 'little drop of beauty in a big dry landscape'. Elena starts stabbing the kitchen table with the tip of the knife, which for some reason encourages him to inch closer. Elena politely suggests that he go keep guard at the front door. Doppelmutt concedes, but not before brandishing his own knife, stabbing a carrot, and announcing
i'm not making it into episode 3 am i
Meanwhile Nick and Jeremy are playing Storage Wars
"Let me call my buddy who knows all about underfunded CGI lycanthrophy."
and discover a boxful of counterfeit money. They realise it belongs to Bucky, the doppelmutt back at Stonehaven, despite Jeremy having put the Third Reich down and ordered him to stop doing his own thing. They realise Bucky must be a threat to the Pack (because the forged dollars were the real tipoff here) and hasten to call Clay to warn him.
Back at Stonehaven, Clay approaches Bucky, clearly furious.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE BLOND
While Eduardo sneaks around the walls of Stonehaven like a cartoon villian. Clay calls Bucky's bluff and they fight, not as wolves but as two men with hammers. Naturally.
'We haven't got any more budget until episode 7'
Eduardo swoops into the house, and is immediately countered by Elena. They commence their own, completely human, scrap
Seriously guys, if I wanted to watch humans fighting, I'd just go down to my local kebab shop on a Friday night
Clay savagely stabs Bucky to death and Elena chucks Eduardo over a table. Someone else..walks in and starts shooting Clay
Who the fuck are you #3
who dives behind the ever trusty-bullet shield, the sofa. Elena buries a kitchen knife in his back
I'll never make another kitchen joke again
And the pair lock and unconscious Eduardo in the basement.
'I hate this.' Elena announces. 'Me too, Darlin'. replies Clay. Bittenblogger would to like to enquire 'is it too late to get off this ride'.
They hear a car pull into the driveway and oh bollocks it's the Russian Alpha. He lets himself in and sits down, demanding some scotch and commenting that their house is always covered in blood.
Nick and Jeremy fall through the front door
'You'll never believe the bargains we found, ahmahgad'
And Jeremy, in a rare moment of book-character widsom, notes how the Russian Alpha only ever seems to appear when people are trying to kill them. He soon casts off his newfound familarity to his litarary origin by being a douche to Elena.
Elena defends herself quite rightly by admitting that she's just tired of being constantly under attack since the season began. It's true, she's had to defend herself and administer more slapdowns (alone might I add) than all of her male Packmembers combined in a mere two episodes.
Jeremy, apparently not listening at all, fails to address her and instead delivers a speech. "This is the course I've chosen and we're going to stick to it. No matter how difficult. Now this Pack will be strong. This is how we will restore order. Let me deal with Roman."
I'm so, so sorry
Elena submits. Jeremy wanders off and dictacts to Nick instead
Jerermy no don't fuck with Russia they will peel your soft Canadian face and eat it
Meanwhile Katja has sent Elena a text via her photography website (when I made the joke about kids and their smartphones in the first episode I was being insincere, but damn I was actually spot-on) asking them to meet up. Clay, for the fourth time this episode, acts as a wet plaid blanket (seriously man you've been wearing the same shirt for two episodes now) and tries to discourage her, but Elena placates him by allowing him to come along with her.
Jeremy is showing Roman his torture devices
'the dog whistle was just out of shot'
Jerermy not-so-subtly threatens Roman, and come on Jeremy seriously
will stamp you into dust. The Russian alpha decides to reveal what on earth
he's doing here, and says he's seeking out a werewolf named Sasha because an
imprisoned sparkling witch with an affinity for wall-yoga told him to. Well he
leaves out the second part at least.
Clay and Elena go to meet Dadwolf in a cafe, and Clay announces he'll sit subtly nearby but not be noticed and then proceeds to stare at Dadwolf like he wants to kill him/fancies him.
YOU CAN'T SEE ME RIGHT IT'S THE PLAID
Dadwolf asks Elena how he disposed of the body of whothefuckareyou#2. He replies that he burned it and buried it and that no one will find it. This is especially curious since half an hour earlier, Clay asked Elena how -she- disposed of the body, and she gave not just an answer, but a completely different one. Who actually disposed of the body? This isn't the first time during this episode I've wondered if there are two different writers involved who never spoke to each other.
Elena asks how many people her Dadwolf has killed. Dadwolf replies
seriously can anyone please throw me a Russia joke i just can't think of one
Dadwolf also says he has a lot to tell Elena about her mother and her family and how they came to be where they are, and I don't care to know what this show is going to spew up. To me Elena's biological parents died in a car crash like they did in the books, and that is that.
A very quick cut back to Stonehaven and.. Jeremy is beating a tied-up Eduardo senseless.
Eduardo isn't ruffled. Russian alpha starts to say a sentence then seems to forget he's talking and merely punches him instead because why not. Seriously look, it's like he forgot what his direction was mid-sentence and just did his own thing. Anyway, right now there are so many people being kidnapped and tortured I might rename
instead. (geddit?) Stonehaven
Thankfully we cut back to the cafe where Dadwolf explains that his name, 'Antonov' carries a great burden. (wait, why is this name familiar? please help me dear fans) I just realised why Dadwolf looks so strange. He doesn't have any eyebrows.
I never claimed to be a mature person
Never trust a man with no eyebrows.
Back in Stonehaven, Eduardo is taunting Jeremy about how he doesn't have a real family.
Jeremy suggests Roman finishes the job, to which Eduardo says something about
eating Jeremy. The Russian alpha hacks his head off. I get depressed about all
the threats and gore and wonder how much longer is left.
We cut back to the cafe. Dadwolf gives Elena the other half of a pair of shoes she was keeping in her memories box from earlier. Manipulative violin music plays. Given that we were only made aware of the memories box for the first time literally 15 minutes ago, I don't think this is really that moving. Elena asks if her mother is the same as Katja and Alexis's. Dadwolf confesses that they were borne of a woman he met ten years after he lost Elena's mother. He says something that actually intrigues me a little
hello, this is actually interesting
(Quick cut to Roman mercillessly and crully beating the lifeless body of Eduardo with an axe so his blood flies all over the room and sweat pours down his back while Jeremy looks on like this)
this is so awful that Jeremy just earned the official title 'whothefuckareyou#4'
After some more (I'll admit these are semi-good) quick cuts, Dadwolf explains that the Russian alpha has been trying to kill him for 30 years. And I am intrigued as to why.
Cut back to Russian alpha, and..
This ain't Amityville Horror. This isn't Hostel. This isn't Texan Chainsaw Massacre. This is just Bitten, your happy Friday night viewing.
Another quick cut to Dadwolf, who says..
Then the camera pans back to Jeremy while Roman looks at him in a sinister fashion as if we're supposed to be scared that Roman might kill Jeremy when in fact I'm all for it and then the credits roll and OH GOD I'M FREE GOODBYE
i'm fuckin' out of here