Monday, 30 March 2015

Episode Eight: Dark Arts

Here we go. We begin with another flashback, which features our dialogue-highlight of the show only two minutes in - "You'll pay for this!"

Mr. Evilpants does some David Blaine gone wrong and lives in a world where pedestrians allow strangers to jam metal spikes through their arm without even asking first. I know Canadians are accommodating, but come on.

EvilpantsClay meets up with Jeremy and Nick, the former having forgotten that he's meant to have telepathic abilities and should be able to sense that that's not Clay in a nanosecond but oh well.

Shmaige says what is without a doubt my most favourite line so far in the whole series


and EvilpantsClay, despite acting like a massive Evilpants


convinces everyone to stay at Stonehaven to do Shmavannah's ritual. Clay then accidentally falls into a green filter and tries to tackle Evilpants, and then ACTUALLY HAS TO HAVE IT EXPLAINED TO HIM that his body has been taken over because he hasn't realised it yet.

Evilpants does some token bla blaing and says that Clay will be dead soon.

Shmavannah for some reason feels remorse that she killed a bad guy who was trying to kill her and everyone else too, but not for long because Elena distracts her with a shiney picture. Shmavannah then instantly forgets about her first-degree murder and it's never brought up again.

Elena completely fails to notice that her soulmate is not quite himself (even when his warlock face is smushed up against hers) and they all go downstairs to do a ritual that I've honestly forgotten what the purpose of is at this point. The show shows us how not to do the forced perspective effect by failing to make Ruth holding her hand above a flame look realistic


Anyway, Shmavannah accidentally chooses a rat as her familiar only to reveal that she's scared of rats, and I don't think this was meant to be comedy but that was actually hilarious. EW NO Evilpants Clay is touching Elena and that's not just creepy but also completely pointless.

Shmaige finally starts making her wicked witch broomstick

while Nick arrives and starts - oh god - Nick what are you doing - NICK STOP. I can't take you seriously anymore and we all know why. An effeminate soundtrack appears out of nowhere and they get down to business

while Evilpants Clay and Ruth set up some spooky shit in the forest.

Nick finally realises that something is afoot when Clay is an arse to him (which shows how far removed from the books the show is, Clay -not- being an arse to him should be the real tipoff) but anyway.

Evilpants Clay tells it like it is and calls Shmaige some mean things. Nick takes offence and instigates the hos before bros code and wallops Clay in the face.

Elena tells Clay 'this isn't you' (no shit Elena) and Clay responds by telling us that, if we haven't already booked our holidays with Sunwing, we really fucking need to.

Also ew.

Evilpants Clay goes right into rape territory and then moves on to -

- oh boy, I can't wait to see where this is going.

Shmaige again reveals that the witches will all be leaving soon (YES) and Jeremy is annoyed that Clay is acting like an evil warlock.

'It's almost's not you?'

Evilpants Clay does his best Yoko Ono impression (ask your parents) and it's actually going quite swimmingly. He tells Jeremy that Elena was forced to Change in front of people and Jeremy comments that that's a terrible violation. Which, while true, is something that the show franchise has never mentioned before. I think that one of the shmwriters was using the book as a coffee coaster and accidentally opened it for a split second while reaching for their mug or something.

Jeremy -finally- succumbs to the batshit crazy lalaland theme with the following dialogue

Wait. What. ..what?

If it wasn't already really, really obvious that Clay is in fact Mr. Evilpants, his cheesy dialogue should be giving it away. When have we ever heard Clay spout stuff like

Such stuff is reserved only for Mr. Evilpants scenes. Good god, Jeremy.

Elena raises her concerns about Clay's behaviour to Shmaige, who responds by patronising her in the worst way conceivable. Here, word for word, is what she says.

"I get it. You realised that magic exists. And that spells can be real. And something weird happens, and you think that's the reason. But most often, there's a simple explanation. He loves you, Elena. And if there's something wrong with Clay, you should talk to Clay. Not me."

Unfortunately I haven't figured out how to punch a TV character in the face without damaging my monitor, so we've got to carry on.

Since Shmaige is as useful as a bitchy chocolate teapot, Elena goes off to read about the situation.

This worked in Buffy

Evilpants Clay is off doing evilpants stuff, and oh noes he's going to hang Clay, who is still stuck in green filter.

I zoned out of what was going on as soon as green Malcolm and Clay's child self appeared, so I can't actually summarise this. Meanwhile Elena tells Jeremy that someone has possessed Clay, who reacts like she's just told him that the Sun rotates around the Earth.

Instead of contemplating this bit of important information, Jeremy instead focuses on Elena being forced to Change in front of Rachel, which sure isn't a good thing but they're treating it like it's the biggest problem on the planet right now. Which reminds me where the hell are MoonMoon and his lady? We haven't seen them yet and last we saw of them they were almost blown up at the compound. Eventually, Jeremy wises up and he and Elena run off to look for Evilpants.

Shmaige and Ruth and Shmavannah are doing more The Craft stuff, and Jeremy and Elena find more cock-and-balls symbols on the floor. They realise that Evilpants is after Shmavannah and that he may have dresses and candy, so they are immediately alarmed. They pelt through an entire forest (in human form of course) while Shmavannah plays with an adorable rat, gets a talisman, and is promptly nabbed by Evilpants Clay. Why does anyone want Shmavannah again? I can't remember and I don't really care.

Ruth tells Jeremy that Clay will die from the possession spell, and that to kill Evilpants Jeremy must kill Clay. Which got a bit of a sniffle from me I admit. Clay remains in green filter, and Malcolm tells him to walk down the green stairs which Clay says symbolises death -

- even though it's the first I and the rest of the world have heard about it. I just don't know. I can't take these green scenes seriously. Anyway, down Clay goes, and - in a good lesson in Deux Ex Machina - it works.

Jeremy for some reason has taken Ruth's words at immediate face value and informs Elena and Nick that Clay is gone forever and there's nothing they can do about it. Ruth, who comes from not just the same coven but the same -bloodline- as the one who previously said 'Yeah that dude ain't possessed stop being so paranoid'.

Oy vey. Elena naturally protests and for some reason Jeremy doesn't side with her - his own packmember. It might be because he and Ruth are about to boink, but - yeah that's actually probably the reason.

It is time for a booty call

Jeremy does a few more 13-year old writer dialogue gems like 'I'll finish this' and 'Now you die' and moves to confront Evilpants. Despite this being all their fault, the witches are far away writing on postit notes and being unhelpful.


Oh and they lost Shmavannah. Again. Seriously just lock her up in a tower Disney-princess style or something, this girl is an embarrassment to feminism and needs to be kept concealed.

Evilpants and Jeremy smack each other with piping. Green filter Clay has now gone down the stairs and confronted his wolf self. Or something. This somehow frees him from Evilpant's thrall. I don't know why. Not even the writers know why. (if anyone can explain this to me I will be very grateful). Clay then Changes for..some reason, and I admit this picture is sweet.

This. I like this.

Clay and Elena are reunited. Evilpants has Shmavannah.

Oh good, this again

Evilpants makes Shmavannah drink Elena's blood, which sends a photoshop ripple through the earth. Ruth and Shmaige, still writing postit notes, are affected. Ruth starts to bleed and although that is a shame I find myself unable to disagree with any plot direction that will bring an end to Shmaige. Ruth blurts "It's the beginning of the end." and we fade to black. Which brings me to an important question - how many episodes are there in this series? I always assumed there were 10. This was episode 8. Please tell me there's only 10, and that I'll be released after only two more episodes!


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  2. LOVE LOVE LOVE I don't even need to watch the show. :D

  3. I don't even WANT to watch the show! This is borderline genius though.