Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Episode Six: Nine Circles

The things I do for you people. So our show begins with a topic so heavy that it's in way over its head before its even 30 seconds in - baby murder. I dunno how that lady managed to not only slip a loud crying baby past Ruth but also get it to a church, or why Ruth would take her word for it that she'd done the deed when she clearly doesn't trust her from the second she falls into her house - but hey ho. We only got about a minute before the credits have to roll.

Moon Moon and MacGuffin#1 have a heart to heart. Macguffin#1 finally realises that MoonMoon is an idiot and tells him to leave her alone, but all I can concentrate on is the really funny squiggly line vein in his forehead that looks like the circuit resistor symbol.

I am not a mature person. 

Hee. I hope he gets so confused that he makes that shape again.

After spouting some more cryptic writing pulled directly out of an arse about locks and keys, Mr. Evilpants sends Elena through a magically-induced acid trip - which serves no other purpose other than to be a mid-series arc time-filler. It's episode 6; too early to have shit go down for the finale but too late to establish anything new - so it's low-budget filler time. I'm not even going to dignifiy this stuff by analysing it, so here's a picture of some cute penguins dancing instead.

One thing I do however find delightful is the prison guards featured on the show. As I've touched upon before, they're..uh, they have room for improvement. On a scale of competence they're somewhere between an 80s cartoon minion and a Scooby Doo villain. For some reason they keep changing every episode. Either the actors saw what they were getting into and fled as soon as the episode wrapped, or Mr Evilpants just has them on a conveyor belt. This one here is my favourite -

He bravely bursts into a werewolf's cell armed with nothing but a - wait - he's actually not armed with anything. Literally.

He is then promptly eaten.

Watching a (still nonplussed about Elena's disappearance) Clay tromp through the woods and berate Shmaige about her footwear was a highlight. Sadly though, we did not get to see him drag her by the hair.

Shmavannah/MacGuffin#2 is this time -completely- bought by the bad guy not with candy, but with a pretty dress instead. I guess her standards are going up slightly.

Elena is still stuck in bad Woodstock filler, but we do get a special guest appearance from Idina Menzel/Philip's sister. 

Kids? Just say no.

Sadly the amusing buddy-cop comedy that Shmaige and Clay had going doesn't last, and instead descends into clich├ęd writing and what appears to be an unhurried leisurely stroll through the woods. Remember people: Clay is currently searching for his kidnapped and in mortal-peril soulmate.


Shmaige tries for a bit of quick character development by explaining why it's her childhood that made her a bitch, but I'm not really listening.

It's then revealed that Elena was in fact still in her cell this whole time, and to the show's credit, the following scene was actually pretty well-done and creepy.


Shmavannah/MacGuffin#2 freaking out and the distorted sounds and walls were a nice touch. I'm convinced that this slightly-okay example of filmmaking was a lucky accident, but still. It gave me the proverbial heeby jeebies.

Luckily for our continuity, we're immediately back into batshit-crazy lalaland afterwards, as a bunch of extras in robes chant and wave spring onions around. Business has resumed, folks.

Once again, the adverts really do add to the mood

MoonMoon and MacGuffin#1 escape again, while Elena destroys some 'guards'. Mr Evilpants drags - no, not drags, the tit goes along willingly with everything he says - Shmavannah into an occult ritual that would make The Craft look contemporary, but luckily Elena is committing arson in the background.

Okay wait. Wait. Fuck. That was actually really cool

Luckily she didn't inadvertently blow up MoonMoon and MacGuffin#1, who have a sappy moment that didn't really interest any living being still watching the show. We end the show on a 'climax' that can be summarised in 12 words or less -

Shmavannah is an idiot

Clay does cool stuff but it's offscreen


I know you missed him.

Clay finds Elena, claims that 'nothing could've stopped me' and forgets to mention his prior complete indifference to her disappearance. It's probably for the best.

'Nothing could've stopped me. Exept maybe bagels. Have you got any bagels?'

The end

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