Monday, 9 March 2015

Episode Five: Rabbit Hole

Like last time, I'll begin this review with a bunch of questions. This guy seems to own the compound and is offended by the two-headed bunnies.

This shit. It is weird. Yo.

Who is he? Does he know what the company he's in charge of is even doing? Does he know about werewolves? Is his IMDB credit 'Hired Suit'? (I bet money that it is)

Meanwhile, these two are making the relationship in 50 Shades of Grey look healthy.

E.L. James approved

Why is this person meant to be Bauer (I refuse to call her that, let's call her Shmauer instead) inject herself? In the book her motivations were clear; she mistakenly felt that Elena was regarded as 'special' because she was the only female werewolf and that lycanthropy was a walk in the part - but this Shmauer just randomly stabbed herself and I can't figure out why.

To be fair, when Elena does ask her about this Shmauer does give an explanation.

Okay then.

Meanwhile back in Stonehaven, Ruth is as wise as ever.

No shit, Ruth

This guy is bloody annoying. I zoned out when he was talking. I think I can sum up his five-minute speech about his childhood in a few words


His dialogue is classic though. I can't even begin to write it all, but here's a few gems.


Oh well Shmauer is dead. Guess that's done with.

Why is Clay calmly asking this man questions over a period of time instead of (like in the novels) freaking out over Elena's disappearance so much he has to be sedated by Jeremy? Might it be because now he's even more of a pee-poor imitation of Clay than he was in the first series? THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IS MISSING, MAN!

I can't begin to describe how much holding an easily-snatchable stick in front of a werewolf's nose is not going to work in this scene with the 'guards'.

Pictured: No

This one is new. I guess the one from last week is still recovering from nearly having to do something.

That hypnotism scene though. Here it is. How hypnosis works

Yep that is nearly the whole scene. You just play a few spooky grainy pictures taken from stockimages and whoever is watching will then be under your thrall. That's how hypnosis works, right. Right?

I must say, these adverts really add to the suspense

I'm sorry. I've gotten to 32 minutes in and I can't watch anymore. I just can't do it. Ruth and Jeremy went to some lady and grabbed her hand and there was a Harry Potter flashback of a baby in a basket - I - I just can't do this anymore. I'm broken. I'm done. I'm off.

I might review the final 10 minutes tomorrow. If I can stomach watching it.

So this brings us to the biggest problem with the series - their attempts to follow a book were bad. Their attempts to go in their own direction are bad. But their attempts to do both at the same time - steal elements from the book and mingle them with their own batsh*t crazy lala-land plot? That's the worst thing ever. I can't believe they've got the nerve to slap 'Bitten' on the credits. I feel as if someone has just done this in front of me.

I weep. And I hope that no one who doesn't know any better ever sees this mess.

It wasn't until 6 days later that I felt strong enough to watch the final 10 minutes. It hurt. Oh it hurt. But I did it. Here we go

I'm only half following what that woman Ruth and Jeremy visited was about so I'll just leave that. Something to do with Ruth being whatsisface's mother? Bad storytelling. If I can quote another old dude from the first episode (I can't be asked to make a new picture) - 

We're going to be seeing this guy a lot.

As far as I can see Ruth just slaughtered a harmless human with no powers though - and Ruth is meant to be one of the good guys? The witches have a higher bodycount than the werewolves so far, and they have no good reasons for any of their killings. What was it you said back when, Shmaige? 

Oh yes.

Anyway, it might be because just last week was International Womens' Day and I tuned into Emma Watson's HeForShe speech and I'm still all super-sensitive to equal rights for both men and women, but I can't help but feel that if this line was reversed - 

There'd be an uproar. From all 12 of the people who are still tuning in. So a small uproar, but still.

Why Shmaige? Why? Why will a male-witch bring about your downfall? Oh I know there was a brief batshit-crazy lalaland explanation given by Ruth, but it didn't help matters. Just..why? This blurted-out-of-nowhere line seemed horribly sexist when I saw it the first time, but after being told by a friend that the producer of this show might have a slight WOMAN POWERFUL complex (it's been revealed in interviews under the impression that she's doing the world a favour by creating strong female characters), it seems sexist even more.

I suppose the last bit does clear up all that 'cursed infecting the curser' poop that they were babbling about. It's still weak though.

Somewhere in all of this mess, Shmaige and Nick do the beast with two backs scene. Unfortunately, I'm having to skip all of the show's sex scenes. It's not that they're bad (well, they might be) but ever since I saw this gem in series one (warning, don't press that. Don't do it.) I haven't been able to take any of the sex moments seriously. I just start laughing like a crazy person. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that immediately after this episode aired the official Bitten website published it on their front page in an attempt to If I may quote a friend -

This is where proofreading the script would come in handy. I'm pretty sure he's not meant to be sucking the shit outta her.

- I am such a child.

Well said.

I'm not sure why we care about this Shmavannah. I mean book Shmavannah was amazing, but this one comes across as a bit of an idiot. She seems to know all about this sexist prophecy but despite that she's still chumming up to whatsisface boywitch and is doing everything he says. Derp. When she was first kidnapped she went along so willingly that I thought it was a deliberate plan by Shmaige and Ruth that Shmavannah was in on - so that they could spy on boywitch via their telepathic Skype ability - but it became clear soon after that this is not the case. Shmavannah is actually just that dumb.

She's not even hypnotised - I can tell because of all that cryptic stuff they said about her in the last episode; 'Why don't you bring her to the inside mind' 'No, she has to get there herself' and so on. It fully appears that she is just went along with the random warlo - boywitch who materialised in her kitchen voluntarily and is just playing along with him now. What gives?

I suppose, like Moon Moon's girlfriend, Shmavannah is not a developed character, she's a 'thing'. Nay, not a thing, a macguffin.

From now on, I'll be referring to them as MacGuffin#1 and MacGuffin#2.

After posting all my above questions, my friends answered them for me. Apparently the Hired Suit was just a flashback and Shmauer injected herself because she wanted to be the one that got captured and experimented on, instead of Elena. 

It's still stupid.

I also learned that the writer of the show says she took this project on because she identifies with the main character of Elena because of her dual personality. Elena is torn between human and wolf, whereas she (the writer) lives between Toronto and Vancouver. 

..seems legit